I'm baaaaaaaccck....

Finally home and well rested from my summer holiday to Croatia. Although I had a lovely time, there were a couple snags in my trip.
While laying on the beach and trying to decompress, I found nothing took me out of kick-back mode like unwanted male attention. I'd like to preface this by saying I'm truly flattered and appreciative whenever any member of the opposite sex approaches with a little chit chat. However, if my fancy has not been caught, I don't mince words, body language or make any attempt to ante up my lack of enthusiasm to ensure no mixed signals are being sent.
As every other not so easy to impress woman can relate to; finding ways to repel men becomes routine. What I thought would be my meal ticket was to pretend like I'm homeless (i.e. don't shower and extend my sleeping attire into 'day wear'). Sadly, this thought to be genius idea does not work, as I still get approached, just usually not by the pick of the litter.
Then I though...what turns me off? DUMB MEN! So, I tried to decrease the appearance of my intelligence. BAD IDEA. Bad, bad, bad idea. Apparently - fluffy, unmotivated, bubble headed women are to men like law practicing, Mercedes driving men are to us. Hmmmm... I'll just act like I'm really smart! Yeah... that... didn't... really... work.
What else can I do? I give up! And just like that, when I stopped pining for answers, it came to me. Actually, it had been within my reach all along - my mother!
I notices when my sister and I were out on our own, we were constantly pestered by croatia's finest. However, when in my mothers company, they all seemed to stay at arms length. I tell you, no smirky attitude, body odor or low IQ can come close to warding off men like being in the presence of my mommy. Like a shepherd, she protects us sheep from the wolves.
When I think about it, it's really just pay back. When my mom started dating after her divorce, the second she brought potential suitors over to the house to meet my sister and I, they would hit the road. Oh... the beauty of life and how things come around full circle! Thanks mom, you're better than garlic :)

The art of having fun

It's a masterpiece! I'm referring to the seahorse 'birthday plate' I made on a recent trip to color me mine. If you've never been there, you're sooooo missing out! Now my guests are going to feel so special when they come over for dinner.

Also, I'd like to make it clear that I had NO part in the creation of the coffee mug. It was solely painted by my sister Theresa. You really need to see it in person to get the full effect. It's lack of creativity and poorly executed brush strokes just don't translate as severely in photos. Shhhhhh.... don't tell her that - when she asked me what I thought, I told her it looked 'divine.' Hope she doesn't check my blog today.

who knew?

Call off the dogs, the hunt is over! I'd like to announce that I've just been on the perfect date. Who is this irresistible catch I'm boasting about? Well, to my surprise, it's none other than...me? While dining solo recently, it dawned on me that I was having a ridiculous amount of fun. I asked myself... "am I the perfect date?" I went down the checklist:

Punctuality - right on time (double points).
Restaurant selection - Exactly what I was in the mood for!
Good conversation - My internal dialogue got off to a slow start, but when the guy wearing sketchers walked in... forget about it!
Chemistry - Check.
Hotness factor - Well...when someone else comes up and hits on your date while you're on the date... always a good sign.
Did I just get straight A's? Sweet!

It should have come as no surprise as I recalled a previous conversation my mother and I had...

Mom - Physically what do you look for in a man?
Me - Tall, brown hair, smokey eyes, olive skin, a lean, muscular body...
Mom - Like...you?
Me - Exactly! I'm looking for the male version of meeeee.
Mom - You're weird.

Eureka! All my horrible dates are now making sense. How could anyone possibly follow perfection? Frankly, it's a load off. I can finally unleash the burden of all the times I said "it's not you, it's me." I wasn't lying, it was the truth! I must say, I'm almost disgusted at my self righteousness; never thinking I had a hand in the matter. How narcissistic!

Thanks for the memories...

If you're on my daily call list, you've already heard of the bum that visited me at work yesterday. One of the many perks of being located on Pico blvd is the number of mobile homed customers who frequent our business. As Sweetpeas will be relocating to Santa Monica this summer, I thought it would be fun to rank my top 5 bum experiences there.

Five - To this day, I have no idea who this bum is. In the middle of the night this THIEF broke into our store and and stole MY brand-new jar of Nutella! The evidence came back inconclusive, but as far as I'm concerned... the investigation is still open.

Number four would have to be the one arm dude that ALWAYS comes in asking for change! After realizing politeness was getting me nowhere, I had to show him I meant business by yelling "get the f**k out!" I haven't seen him since our last run in where I threatened to hurt him. I hope he is doing well :)

Number three is near and dear to my heart. After falling into numerous displays, yelling at the Heidi Swap rhinestone collection and licking one sheet of paper - he reached into his trench coat (where I assumed he had a weapon) but instead pulled out a vintage Diana Ross Record. He claimed he was her drummer until the music industry "sabotaged and pushed him out of the business." Tragic! Had he had any $$$ I would have totally given him the number to my therapist so he could sort out his looming emotional issues.

Number two -- Although they pay taxes, own real estate and have the capacity to shower at their leisure, I still consider the vast majority of men who come into my work to hit on me as bums. Especially since many of them have girlfriends/wives (that they've come in with before). How did they know nothing entices me more than a philandering man! Am I that transparent? Let it be known that my quality of customer service is temperamental.

By leaps and bounds the top spot goes to what we like to call 'the night of the bum.' While drinking champagne late into the evening, a bum broke into our back room, pulled down his pants and... well, we drunkards stumbled out the front door and screamed for help. While he held himself hostage inside our office, the bad-ass LAPD busted in and drug his broke-ass out swat style. AWESOME. I wish every night was as eventful as 'the night of the bum.'

I ain't mad at 'cha

This past year I've been trying to implement the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" mentality into my life. Recently, I was put to the test when being pulled over for a driving whoopsie. Instead of trying to talk my way out of the ticket, I accepted that I indeed was in violation and needed to embrace whatever repercussions that came my way. While being written up, I oddly felt a connection between me and the officer. I informed him that, I too had dabbled in Law Enforcement. While being 'hall monitor for the week' in the 5th grade, I took my responsibilities quite seriously as well. My motto was simple: no pass... no pardon... period! I let him know, I wasn't mad at him -- how could I expect someone to offer me a courtesy that I too was incapable of extending. Unfortunately, the officer didn't see our similarities and made it very clear he didn't give a f**k about my story. Oh, I guess that's the chance you take when you put yourself out there. Darn... thought I had made a friend.

Bad-Ass Bloggers

If you don't mind cookie crumbs in bed...you'll love my sister Theresa! Fortunately for you, she's parleyed her flawless taste and vast knowledge of everything fashion into Culture on the Coast, a site dedicated to what she's good at...being fabulous.

After all, she is the one that convinced me to wax my eyebrows, wear a thong, relinquish my scrunchie collection and most recently, dispose a pair of sweatpants I've become partial to because they looked like "rabid dogs have attacked them."

My only objection to her site so far is #5 on the 'what men dislike women to wear' list -- Don't buy cotton undies in bulk from Costco! Wassup wit dat? Hmmm...I'm going to pretend that memo got lost in the shuffle.

My other favorite blog, Armed Snobbery, is penned by the (self proclaimed) Prince of Ballard. He also refers to himself as 'my future husband' (again, self proclaimed). If you like to listen to good music and laugh...you'll love it. Turned off by the picture? OK -- here's a teaser...

"valentines day - bend over backwards to do nice things that are never APPRECIATED, only expected. they EXPECT you to take them out to dinner (and to get a reservation on the busiest dining day of the year and eat sub-par food because the kitchen is so slammed), buy them flowers, and rub their feet. all for what? a smile, a thank you, and to not be deemed an asshole by her mom and all of her girlfriends. sweet! where do i sign up?????"

See what I mean? He had me at bend over.

Geeezze, how am I going to explain this picture to our kids?