Mama said there'd be days like this

My life is filled with lots of highs and lows. This trend seems to be most evident in my never a dull moment dating life. A wee bit back I had the worst date of my life. Hard to imagine as previous suitors have set the bar so high, but true.
Believe it or not, it was worse than the time my date's car went up in smoke on the freeway in the middle of timbuktu and I had to be escorted home via AAA Truck. It was worse than the time I was invited for dinner at, and I quote "the terrace of my beverly hills home" which turned out to be eating peasant food on the back patio of his parents house. And even more worse than the time a date came over and saw my doodle 'he's marriage material up the ying yang' next to his name.
Let me set the mood: Its Thursday night and my bff/sister Theresa and I are having girl talk as I meticulously prep for my date. Although T had reservations about my shoes (4" wedges) we mutually decided I was good to go for my evening. Lost in excitement, I scurried out of my building to meet him when I accidentally lose my footwork and plummet down an entire flight of treacherous concrete stairs. Major ouch. Dazed from my concussion, I foolishly limped back up the stairs only to black out as I reached the top (where as I was told) I proceeded to tumble down to the bottom....again. Epic embarrassment.
My memory returns when the paramedics arrived. While laying there, trying to recall what had just happened, I see my date amongst the crowd of people surrounding me. Sh!tballs. This isn't happening. I couldn't be more humiliated. Or so I thought until seconds later the paramedics inform me they need to lift up my dress to access my spine damage before putting me on the stretcher. One would imagine by the look of my borderline too short mini dress that I'd be wearing equally sexy undies to match, right? I happened to be rockin a pair of cotton granny bloomers that I bought in bulk from costco. The crowd had a field day. In my defense, I wasn't planning on taking off my dress so I didn't think it mattered what I was wearing underneath!!!
After a trip to the hospital my diagnosis was as follows: a concussion, fractured tail bone, twisted ankle, dislocated shoulder, countless bumps and bruises and one major blow to my ego.
After months of sitting on an inflatable donut, life is now finally back to normal. Following a serious chat with Theresa, I made some drastic renovations to my undies drawer. Bye bye cotton, hellooooo lacy, ride up your crack, cover up as much as a dorrito would, underwear.
So what happened to the date? I deemed him as bad luck and exiled him to the not for me pile. I'm starting to feel like the Goldie Locks of the Los Angeles dating scene, it seems I've had everything but just right....